


maybe we'll find better days

by SiriCerasi



Series: this war's not over [2]
Category: Haven - Fandom
Genre: Audrey Parker's Crazy Brain, Christmas, Episode Tag, F/M, Nightmares, UST
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-26
Updated: 2012-12-26
Packaged: 2017-11-22 11:53:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/609542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SiriCerasi/pseuds/SiriCerasi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(Post 2.13 "Silent Night") He's the only one who can ever really get away with that, she realizes idly. The only one who can stop not just her voice but her thoughts, freeze her dead in her tracks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	maybe we'll find better days

**Author's Note:**

> **Spoilers:** Through 2.13 (Silent Night)
> 
>  **Author's Notes:** Written for my prompt "nightmares"
> 
> I really shouldn't be posting anything ELSE right now given my WIPs but this has been sitting mostly finished on my hard drive for AGES and it's Christmas and I needed a Family Break today so I finished it and here we are! Not well edited, but it's late and I wanted to post it on Christmas *g*
> 
> Song for this is "[Better Days](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-kHleNYIDc)" by The Goo Goo Dolls, because well. Christmas!!

  
_and you ask me what i want this year_   
_and i try to make this kind and clear_   
_just a chance that maybe we'll find better days_   


****

**_xxx_ **

 

Audrey wakes in a cold sweat, images of a deserted Haven streaming through her mind. Cars stopped in the middle of the road, food left half-eaten – everyone, gone.

 

Her fingers are dialing Nathan’s number before she knows what she’s doing.

 

“Yeah.” Her partner’s sleepy voice crackles in her ear, and she remembers it’s the middle of the night. But she doesn’t care, and just hearing his voice sends warmth into her core.

 

“Nathan? You’re okay?” Even to her ears she sounds somewhat desperate.

 

“Parker?” He sounds confused. Of course he’s confused, she’s calling him like a crazy person in the middle of the night with no explanation. “Parker, what’s going on?”

 

She chokes. “I um. I just… Just needed to make sure you were okay. Still here.”

 

“Audrey.” Now he has that tone that says he’s not going to take any of her bullshit, no matter how hard she tries.

 

“It’s okay, I’m okay, I…” She takes a ragged breath, and hears him rustling.

 

“Okay, Audrey, you’re at your apartment?”

 

“Nathan…” she protests, but he won’t have it.

 

“Just stay there, I’ll be over in ten.”

 

She gives up, and can’t deny to herself that she really, really just wants to see him.

 

When he shows up at her door she throws her arms around his neck, convincing herself that he’s still here and safe and _warm_. He humors her for a minute, wraps his own arms around her and pulls her closer.

 

“You need to tell me what happened last week, Audrey,” he says softly in her ear. She shudders and he pulls back gently to close the door behind him, ushering her to her couch. For an entire week after the Christmas incident, as she referred to it in her head, she’d been able to force herself to be happy. To appreciate her friends. And it had worked, up until now. Up until she’d started having these horrible, awful dreams that left her feeling so cold and alone it was almost unbearable.

 

She blinks as Nathan wraps a blanket around her shoulders, shakes her head a little. “I’m sorry,” she states, eyes plastered to the floor. “It’s the middle of the night, I-”

 

“Audrey.”

 

She picks at the blanket, tearing at pieces of lint viciously until Nathan grabs her hand, stilling her. “Talk to me,” he murmurs.

 

She lets out a slow breath, fragments of her dream still flashing in her mind. “You disappeared,” she tells him quietly. He frowns a little, confusion written all over his face. “Everyone disappeared,” she clarifies. “Hadley, she was… she was turning the town into her snow globe. And everyone started just… vanishing, and no one remembered them but me, and you all thought it was Christmas in July and no one believed me and then everyone was just _gone-_ ”

 

Nathan places a firm hand on her shoulder as she starts to sound hysterical, gazing down at her with those blue eyes that fill her with warmth. “Slow down,” he orders gently. “Breathe.” She does, closing her eyes to try to block the images but they’re still there, burning on her lids.

 

“I was alone,” she whispers. Nathan’s hand clenches against her bare skin and she realizes she’s only wearing a tank top and she really hopes he doesn’t stop touching her because she desperately needs the distraction. “We couldn’t get out of town, there was some glass wall you couldn’t shoot through and then you were gone, _everyone_ was gone and I was all _alone_ again.” The last word slips out before she can stop it and she cringes, not wanting to see the look of pity on his face.

 

He touches her chin lightly, forcing her to look at him. And there’s no pity, only compassion and understanding as he breathes her name. And then he surprises her – shocks her, really – when he kisses her forehead and wraps his arms around her gingerly, holding her against his rock-hard chest.

 

“You’re not alone,” he murmurs, running his fingers lightly through her hair. She feels hot tears slide down her cheeks, a whimper fighting its way up her throat. “I’m still here, okay?”

 

“But you weren’t,” she chokes, feeling panic pressing against her lungs. “I saw you disappear right before my eyes, Nathan. One minute you were there and then you just _faded_ …” She can’t fight a sob anymore and buries her face into his shoulder, feels him tighten his arms a little as the flood of emotion she’d been trying to hold back finally comes crashing in. That moment, when he’d just been _gone_ … it was almost worse than watching him die.

 

Nathan’s voice grounds her, calms her a little as she remembers that he’s here. “But I’m here now, Audrey,” he tells her firmly. “I’m here because you fixed it, you _always_ fix it.”

 

“But what if I hadn’t? Last time this happened, the people never came back. Andrew Chambers, they all thought he was crazy. He lost everyone, and then he killed himself, and what if I fail again and-”

 

“Stop.” He’s the only one who can ever really get away with that, she realizes idly. The only one who can stop not just her voice but her thoughts, freeze her dead in her tracks. As he runs a hand gently along her back she feels her body relaxing, and her mind goes with it. “You can’t torture yourself with what-ifs, Audrey,” he murmurs. “Nothing good can come from that.”

 

“I know,” she mumbles into his shirt, focusing on the feel of his fingers against her skin. “I know, I just-”

 

“-can’t stop thinking.” He smiles a little and she feels her chest lighten. “You need to just let it go,” he murmurs. “I’m here, all of Haven is here. You saved us, end of story.” She shivers, and he pulls back to tug the blanket back around her, looping an arm around her shoulders as she curls into his side.

 

“You’re already dealing with so much,” he tells her quietly. “You can’t keep piling everything up and trying to do it all on your own.” He rubs her shoulder lightly, seeming to realize how much that simple touch helps her.

 

She sighs, takes a few shaky breaths in an attempt to calm down. She shouldn’t be doing this, shouldn’t let him see her so… _weak_ , but losing him for those few hours had terrified her more than it should’ve. “It’s how I’ve survived,” she says into his shoulder. “It’s how I grew up, it’s how the FBI taught me. Or… the real Audrey Parker, or…” She shrugs helplessly.

 

“I know,” he murmurs. “I’m not exactly a social butterfly, either.” She snorts softly in agreement. “But… never trusting _anyone_ , Audrey, that’s… that’s draining.”

 

“I trust you,” she says instantly, pulling back to look at him. “I _do_ , Nathan.”

 

“Okay.” He takes her hand lightly in his. “Then trust me enough to talk to me, Audrey, please. I’m supposed to be your partner, your friend, but I can’t be those things if I don’t know what’s going on.”

 

She stares at their entwined fingers, protests weakly, “You’ve got enough on your plate-”

 

“And you don’t?”

 

She lets out a harsh breath, knowing he’s right, knowing he won’t give this up. Loving and hating him for it. “Okay,” she sighs. “I’ll try.”

 

He raises an eyebrow. “That’s Audrey-speak for no,” he states. She glares half-heartedly. “Look, even if you don’t wanna talk, just…” He shrugs a little, glances away. “Just let me be with you.” She thinks she sees little spots of pink on his cheeks, and realizes this must be as hard for him as it is for her.

 

So she leans back into him, whispers, “I don’t to be alone tonight. I’ve seen you die or disappear twice now, Nathan, I just…”

 

He kisses the top of her head and she melts, feels tears find their way onto her cheeks again. “I’ll stay,” he murmurs. “Of course I’ll stay, Audrey. You’ve brought me back to life twice now, I think I owe you that.” The lightness in his voice does little to mask the magnitude of those words, as she realizes all over again how close she’d come to losing him. To losing the one person she’s ever really connected with.

 

“I’m so tired.” The words keep falling out of her mouth and she can’t stop them. “I don’t want to dream any more, I don’t want to watch everyone die again and again or just… just disappear, and wake up wondering if it was real, if _any_ of it was real, if I’m even fucking real-“

 

“Stop.” The word is whispered into her hair and louder than bells. “I’m here, you’re here. That’s all that matters right now, Audrey. You’re real to me, and I’m _here_.”

 

She almost kisses him.

 

She doesn’t, because if she ruined this friendship she doesn’t think she’d survive.

 

Instead she wraps her arms around his neck tightly, pressing herself as close to his warmth as she can. Knows he feels her too, _only_ her, and that makes it all the more beautiful. She imagines him pressed against _all_ of her, flesh on naked flesh and-

 

Yeah, she needs to stop. She won’t have their first time be at three in the morning when they’re both only half awake and half aware. Mainly for _him_ , because she can just imagine the thought bubbles of doubt and what-if-it-was-only-desperation floating around his head.

 

(But yeah. Yeah, there will definitely be a first time.)

 

When she wakes up a few hours later, gasping and sobbing, he’s there to comfort her, whispers gentle words until her breathing slows, holds her body close until her shaking eases. And doesn’t let her go, just tucks her under his chin, fingers in her hair and breath hot on her forehead as he soothes her gently back to sleep.

 

“I’m here,” he murmurs to her, over and over and over. “You’re real, and I’m here.”

 

She dreams of snow, of Christmas trees and candlelight. Of Santa suits and presents and mistletoe, of spending the day with her friends. Her _family_.

 

She wakes up warm in Nathan’s arms and suddenly she doesn’t care if she’s real; she’s _here_ , she’s loved, and the rest doesn’t matter. She’s _home_.

****

**_xxx_ **

****

  
_i need someplace simple where we could live_  
 _and something only you can give_  
 _and thats faith and trust and peace while we're alive_

_i wish everyone was loved tonight_  
 _and somehow stop this endless fight_  
 _just a chance that maybe we'll find better days_  


**Author's Note:**

> Comments are love! =) Merry Christmas!


End file.
